|January 9th, 2001 - "Women Should NOT Cut Their Hair"|
|1993 - Application for Daily Tar Heel Columnist "Ode to Leslie Visser"|
|1989 - Baker's Guide to Being Morally Perfect in Today's Society|
Just to let you guys know, this topic has been bothering me for quite a while now. Also, I've had about 5 cups of coffee and I'm prone to wandering off the subject. Now, with that obligatory disclaimer out of the way, I can continue my psychological profile of women who cut their hair short and the men who like it.
For those women reading this, know that no heterosexual man likes a woman to have hair like a boy. Very few women can pull off this look with any measure of success. Meg Ryan is one of these women. You do not, nor will you ever, look like Meg Ryan. Therefore, getting a "Meg Ryan" ("Jennifer Aniston", etc.) will not make you look like a multi-gazillion-dollar-a-year actress. Don't even try. Shoulder length hair and longer is fine. Do not get it cut shorter that this. That is, don't cut it unless you want to turn off all attractiveness to the male species.
For the men reading this, you know what I'm talking about (if you don't, I'll talk about you later). Most men cried when Melissa Stark chopped off her hair. Thank God she's growing it back out. (Could this be why she's leading the Playboy poll for the newscastress that most folks would like to see naked?) Most men, at some point, have had a girlfriend/wife that has pulled this shit. They come home with a bobbed hairdo (or, as I like to call it: a Bob hairdo), and they want us to tell her that it looks good. Lie, and you'll have to live with the image in the back of your mind of making love to a dude. Tell the truth, and you'll end up in the doghouse for a month (if you're lucky). I try to tell the truth. Somewhere between "Damn, did you just enlist?" and "It looks OK, but I think longer hair looks better on you." Either way, she's going to be pissed that she spent $50 on a new doo that her man didn't like (the difference between the price of a woman's and a man's haircut is a Rant for another day).
My point is this: Most men find women more attractive the longer their hair is. (This is only to be taken to a point. If the hair is too long (past the bottom of the ass), men will start to wonder "How the hell does she keep from flushing her hair in the toilet." This will only cause issues.)
Women participate in this self-mutilation for several reasons: Self-esteem issues, Wanting to be noticed, Emotional changes, etc. However, I think the main reason is to establish an emotional dominance over their partner.
All women know that men find longer hair more attractive. Yet women continue to chop off their locks. Sure, some of this is perpetuated by the salon industry. They'd lose business if they told the truth, "Don't cut your hair. It looks better long." But most women do this out of maliciousness. They want to see their man squirm over the choice between telling them they look like shit and lying so they can get laid. Don't get me wrong, most women don't even consciously realize that they are doing this to their men. But the harpies in their subconscious know this all too well. They know that this will give them a bargaining chip to use in the future (Filed in the Harpy file cabinet under "Reasons not to give Him Sex").
To the left I
have 2 long-haired photos of semi-famous women who currently have short hair.
One is on a show that I do not watch,
Felicity, and the other is on the show Titus. Keri Russell (Felicity) has realized her mistake and is currently growing her hair back out. How did she realize this? No, she didn't come to the conclusion on her own. It took a 50% drop in her ratings before Warner Bros management said, "Beeotch, grow your hair back NOW or we're canceling your sorry-ass show."
Cynthia Watros (Titus) has not had that light bulb go off yet. The
problem is that Titus is actually a GOOD show, unlike
Felicity. The only reason I would stop and watch a minute or two of Felicity was so that I could fantasize about those long, curly locks gently touching the small of her arched back as she.....well you get the idea. When she cut her hair, she looked like a 13 year old boy. Titus, on the other had, has Stacy Keech and funny scripts.
I couldn't find any pictures of these 2 ladies with short hair. I have a theory about that, and here goes: All of the networks know how horrible these chicks look with short hair, so they only release press photos of the long-haired versions.
One of the common expressions you will hear from a chick who's just maimed herself this way is that her hair's "so much more manageable now." Bullshit. What she really means is that her man is more manageable (because of the aforementioned bargaining chip). The other thing that you will hear them say is that, "_____ (insert female friend's name here) thinks my hair looks so good." If she doesn't tell you, you will probably hear that friend say it in front of you. You will never hear a man say that a short haircut looks good on a woman and mean it. Yes, he will say it, but this is only because he wants something from her (sex, her to shut up about her hair, food, money, et al).
There is a reason why women tell other women that short hair looks good on them. It goes back to primal mating responses. Make yourself look as good as possible to attract a mate. We are, however, the most evolved species on the planet. We take this "Mating Game" to a new level: Make others look as bad as possible. This is why women support their friends when they cut their hair; it makes them look better.
The last group I'd like to psychoanalyze is the group of guys who really like it when women get a short haircut. These men are the saddest. They don't realize that they're going to all the wrong clubs and they just can't explain why Steve Kmetko from E! News Daily fascinates them so. I pity these guys most of all. They haven't realized yet that the reason they dig their woman's new doo is because a part of them really wants to bang a guy. These men need to come to terms with their bi- or homosexuality. Here's your chance. I have just explained to you why you have those conflicting feelings when watching porn ("Am I supposed to be looking at this part of the screen?"). Come on out of that closet. It's a new decade and millennium, folks are much more tolerant now. Don't be afraid to admit that you like the image of having sex with a boyish looking woman.
Well, that's it for this edition of "Keith's Rants". I hope you enjoyed reading it as much as I enjoyed writing it. If you're wondering about my reasons for having this page, it's very simple: Therapy. Getting these things off my chest keeps me from climbing a bell tower and picking off passers-by at random. If you have any questions or concerns, feel free to e-mail me. I might just put your response in the next edition.
Take it easy (or however you can get it),
---Job as a Pharmacy Intern at Phar-Mor
---Active member of Kappa Psi Pharmaceutical Fraternity
---Fervent listener to Rush Limbaugh’s radio show (12pm-3pm, weekdays on AM680 WPTF)
My main reason for wanting to be a DTH columnist is disgust. I am tired of only hearing one side of an issue, the left. The only experiences that I have that would allow me to write on a variety of issues is the fact that I have been reading your paper for the past 3 years and I believe I can provide an alternative, conservative view that this paper is in dire need of. Oh, yes, I almost forgot…once, my freshman year, I wrote a letter to the paper and had it printed. I know, I know, it was a big thrill for me, also.
Actually, I have two ideas for the title of my column:
· The Right View – This title would comment on the conservative nature of my column.
· White Anglo-Saxon Protestant Straight Male: An Endangered Species – This title would explain the point of view from which I would be writing my column.
In case you’re wondering, I am leaning toward the first title.
· Feminism – In this column, I would discuss the relevance, if any, of the present feminist stance in America today.
· Homosexuality – See the explanation for the previous idea
· Hillary Rodham Clinton – This would be my personal favorite. In this column, I would discuss her proposed health care plan, and anything else she manages to screw up.
· Current Events – These columns would provide a contemporary conservative viewpoint on relevant issues.
|Write a sample column 700-900 words in length.|
For those of you expecting this to be the typical Daily Tar Heel column that conforms to the usual P.C. (politically correct, probably confused, President Clintonized, whatever) rhetoric, please turn to another section of this paper. Read the above cartoon, which is so artistically and tastefully done by Mr. DeGrand, or, perhaps, peruse through some of the many fallacies, arguments, and general bitchiness that have arisen due to the hard work and diligence of this campus’s Liberal Elite. However, if intelligence prevails, and you wish to broaden your minds with the musings of this Son of America, please enjoy a column that will exemplify traditional, wholesome, American values that are desperately wanting in this paper.
For years I, and other conservatives, have kept our mouths shut and let the liberals have their soapbox. I, however, have decided that it is up to me to dispel the misconception that only liberals reside within the city limits of Chapel Hill. I will also prove, through the use of this crude media outlet, that the Environmentalist Whacko, Feminazis, Leftists, and all-around Ted Kennedy wannabe’s have, for years, been filling your minds with falsities, untruths, and outright garbage. In doing so, I will expose the truth, while being the one solid thing you can hold on to in this liberalistic sea of madness. I have a simple job here: To right the wrongs that have cropped up due to this new surge of liberalism. So, if you are a liberal and proud of it, cheer up and don’t take things so seriously. To paraphrase one of the greatest media men of all time: Sit back and laugh at yourselves. If you can’t do that, read this column and laugh at me laughing at you.
Let me get a few things off my chest. I am sick and tired of always seeing people labeled by the Liberal (or should I say Socialist) Elite. I am tired of the fact that if a man pulls out a chair for a woman, he is immediately labeled a chauvinist, sexist bigot who wants nothing more than cheap sex. (I, personally, can afford better). I am tired of hearing that if you do not support a freestanding Black Cultural Center, then you are inherently racist and have, at home, a sheet with your name embroidered across the chest pocket. I would hope that, if any such center were to be built, it would be an American Cultural Center. For, you see, if America is to ever become a truly integrated society, we must start looking at each other as human beings living in America and not as blacks and whites, or as African-Americans and WASPS, Jews, Native Americans, Asians, of Latinos. We are all an integral part of American Culture that needs to not be separated any further.
I am tired of hearing Birkenstock-wearing tree huggers complain about the spotted owl, or striped opossum, or whatever, losing its home while, at the same time, they are taking food off the tables of hard working people and their families with their conservationism. The thing that really gets me about this is that these “Save the Manatee” folks have probably never done an honest day’s work in their life. Environmental awareness is a good thing, but extremist environmentalism that is based on misinformation and outright hysteria is counterproductive to society and to man’s best interests.
I am really glad I got that out of my system. Now I can bitch about what I really came here to bitch about. “What is that?” you may ask. Well, it’s a phenomenon that began about three years ago. As it turns out, I was on Spring Break with a few friends. After a fun filled day of sun, fun, and beaches full of G-strings, the fellas and I decide to recline in front of the television for a night of beer and basketball. To make the situation clearer, this was during the month of March (and we all know how Mad that month can be). Needless to say, we were hoping for a night of hand slapping and testosterone highs. When the first game began and the announcer spoke, everyone in the room grew quiet. The squeaky voice coming through the television speakers was not that of Bob Costa or Dick Vitale, but that of a woman. Everyone sat in silent disgust as it sunk in that CBS had actually hired a woman to commentate on a NCAA Division I Men’s Tournament game. As I watched in disbelief, I finally saw the source of my agony and disgust. Her name was Leslie Visser. She was both strangely attractive and annoying all rolled into one red dress. She has haunted my television ever since.
Now, before you jump to the wrong conclusions, I love and respect women. However, I do not believe that women belong in a men’s locker room (so to speak). Whether you face the facts or bury your head in the sand to try to avoid it, you must realize that there a certain things in this world that are inherently male and should be kept as such. The women’s movement, as it began, is a genuine and sincere effort to improve conditions. The original, and justifiable, concerns of the feminists, such as equal pay for equal work, are commendable. People had a right to be upset at the treatment that some women received, and some of their protests were plausible. Then there was a gradual shift in the interests and the type of people attracted to such activist groups as NOW (the National Organization for Women). They became loud, militant people whose views were based on the premise that women no longer need men. They began to think that to love and need a man would somehow set back their cause, while compromising women. They no longer wanted to equate men and women, but, instead, wanted to alienate women from men. Maybe this sounds like too much, but try these quotes from Sheila Cronen, one of the movement’s upper echelon: “Since marriage constitutes slavery for women, it is clear that the women’s movement must concentrate on attacking marriage. Freedom for women cannot be without the abolition of marriage.” Also, “The simple fact is, every woman must be willing to be recognized as a lesbian to be fully feminine,” from the National Organization for Women Times, January 1988. You may ask yourselves what this has to do with my beautiful and annoying commentator. Well, nothing, other than the fact that she got the job announcing Division I MEN’S Basketball due to the pressure put on the network hierarchy by such psychotic and misinformed groups such as NOW. Sorry Leslie.
Now, dear readers, please go home at ease knowing I have dispelled some of the myths clouding your minds.
The following is a list of ways to be Morally Perfect in today’s society, according to what I have observed of mankind in the sixteen years I have lived among them. Since today’s average man has no morals, I had to use my imagination and improvise.
|Gentlemanlike Manners is the first thing today’s man must have to be Morally Perfect in society. This not only helps one to get ahead, but it also helps one to deceive others into thinking you are not descended from the ape.|
|Intelligence is an asset that is compatible with the aforementioned Gentlemanlike Manners. For one to get ahead in today’s society and also become Morally Perfect, one must have some form of social intelligence (or be able to say a whole lot about absolutely nothing).|
|Honesty is essential if today’s man wants to get on everyone’s good side. This is so he, in turn, can get what he wants out of them. This Honesty is not the honesty from Webster’s (“upright, just, faithful, free from fraud”). The Honesty that I am speaking of are words that people want to hear, swaying them into thinking you are “One heck of a guy.”|
|Acquisitiveness (or outright Greed) is one of the things required to get by in everyday society. One must have a constant need to gain what one does not already have. If he does not do this every day in his life, a man will have no purpose in today’s society.|
|The final item one needs to be Morally Perfect in today’s society is to have Ideals by which to base your everyday life. These should be of one’s own choosing, but, if you want to follow the Ideals of many well-known people, you could go by the old adage: “When in Rome, do as the Romans do.” Living by this standard will help one to become a great leader of men in this greatly ordered world in which we live.|
I would like to thank everyone for their time in reading these truths I have set upon the dinner plate of the World. If the World believes these facts and dines on them, I say, “Let the World have it, and I hope You choke on it. For, alas, I do not know the Heimlich.”
These are my beliefs. I do not own a pair of rose-colored glasses, but I do have one ray of hope shining through the thunderclouds called Reality: There is always a spring after every harsh winter.
Keith G. Baker
About the Author: “He is the greatest writer in the vast expanse of the Universe as we know it…At least, I think that’s what he said.” -----The Bloom County Picayune